Suffice It to Say
by MadameFanzel
Summary: Maybe the new captain has kicked him out of the precinct, and maybe Kate has kicked him out of her life, but he still can't leave without saying goodbye... Takes place during Rise. Originally a oneshot, but extended by popular demand! **Rating is now T due to possible triggers for PTSD, suicide, and etc.** Thanks for reading!
1. Chapter 1

Suffice It to Say

"Nope. I'm gonna sit this one out." Kate sat back down at her desk and began opening files from the inbox. And that's when she saw it.

A plain envelope labeled 'Det. Kate Beckett'. And there was no mistaking it: it was _his _handwriting.

Kate spent the next fifteen minutes filling in information and signing off on various documents. At that point she decided that her outbox was just far too full, which of course meant that she needed to go file its contents. She carefully gathered all of the accordion files into her arms and slipped the envelope onto the bottom of the stack. With that, she dashed off to the basement of the precinct.

When she arrived at the door of the case storage room for the Homicide Division, the officer on duty unlocked the door, held it open for her, and then softly closed it behind her. With a sigh, she set Castle's mystery envelope aside, knowing that after reading whatever it was he had to say, she probably wouldn't be too much in the mood for filing case information… But then again, being in here alone to file meant time to cool off before going back into the bullpen…

The second option won. Grabbing the envelope, Kate rounded the corner of the narrow hallway formed by shelves of case files and took a seat at the tiny desk in the back corner. Flicking on the desk lamp, she gently peeled at the sealed edge of the envelope.

She held her breath as she pulled out the piece of notebook paper, and as she did, nearly a dozen gift cards to various coffee shops fell out along with it. Her breathing hitched. After a minute or two of anxious stalling, she unfolded the piece of paper and read:

_Dear Kate,_

_ I was kicked out of the precinct this morning. I've cajoled Ryan into coming by to pick up this letter on his way into work tomorrow because, given your radio silence combined with my banishment, I'm not sure that I'm at all in a position to deliver it myself. But if we won't be seeing each other again, I think I at least deserve a chance to say goodbye._

_ I want to thank you for these last three years. It's been quite the ride, and I've had the pleasure of discovering that you are infinitely more extraordinary than I knew back in our first year of working together. I could go on and on about all the things we've been through that I never could have imagined, but suffice it to say: I'll miss you, Detective._

_ I know you're probably still mad about that night- about the hangar. I won't apologize, Kate. I can't apologize because there was no way I could let Ryan and Esposito lose their sister, Lanie her best friend, your father his little girl, or myself my partner. I couldn't let you die for your cause, Kate, and I can't bring myself to believe that your mother would want that from you. I hope you can forgive me._

_ I also hope that someday you'll seek me out, Kate. I understand needing time, and I understand needing space, but three months without a single word feels awfully extreme. You have to know by now that I'd do anything to give you whatever it is you need from me; so I can't figure out why a simple text once or twice to say that you needed another few weeks was too much to ask. All I can think is that that afternoon in the hospital was a much less temporary goodbye than I would have hoped. I think we've had a pretty good run, Detective; I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt to see it end like this._

_ That said, I really do wish you all the best, Kate. Thank you for your patience and grace through the Nikki Heat of it all. Oh, and I guess in spite of the anger I couldn't resist: have a few coffees on me._

_Until someday,_

_Rick Castle_

Kate felt her throat tighten further as a tear smudged the ink of the word 'coffees'. How could she have ruined things so completely?

And that's when it hit her.

She checked her watch and then dashed back up to her desk. In a rush, she clocked out for her lunch break, grabbed her purse, and darted toward the elevator. As it carried her down to the lobby of the precinct, Kate double-checked her bag for the copy of _Heat Rises_ that she had bought a few days ago but hadn't yet found the courage to start reading. She glanced down at her watch once again.

Yes. She still had just enough time.


	2. Chapter 2

[Author's Note: I cannot believe the response this story has received! So, by popular demand, I've decided to continue it. I guess, at this point, that it'll be four or five chapters, but that could always change. Also, since I forgot to put a disclaimer in the first chapter, here it is: I do not own _Castle _or any of its characters. I don't intend to claim them; I'm just borrowing them for a little fun. Anyway, thank you guys for all of your favorites, follows, and reviews! They mean so much to me, and I hope you'll let me know your thoughts on the story as we continue… Enjoy!]

"_Deep breaths, Kate," _she told herself while she sat outside the bookstore in her unmarked._ "You can do this." _She cracked open the cover of _Heat Rises_, looking again at the dedication: _'To Captain Roy Montgomery, NYPD. He made a stand and taught me all I need to know about bravery and character.'_ Her hands were clammy, and the page wrinkled in the spot where her thumb rested on the paper.

"Bravery and character," she whispered out loud. "Just be brave and have a little character." Her thoughts drifted to Captain Montgomery: he'd kept Castle around for her until she'd learned to do so for herself. He'd gotten rid of Castle when she needed that instead.

But he'd also explained to her in no uncertain terms why he'd never done it before.

If nothing else, she owed Castle an apology and- maybe even more so- answers. _"Even if he won't listen to anything else," _she found herself thinking, _you have to at least let him know why. Even if he's never coming back, he needs answers."_

Or was that her? She'd always been one to prefer an explanation to an 'I'm sorry'. Was he the same way? Kate suddenly realized that she didn't know.

She skimmed his letter again, though she'd already read it twice. She let her mind replay her earlier conversation with the boys. _"If you want answers, you have to talk to Castle," _she reminded herself. She looked back down at the letter. It was almost hard to want those answers when what she really wanted most was her partner back.

"_He loves you- or he loved you. That doesn't just disappear," _she tried to convince herself.

"_No," _she amended, _"it gets _crushed_ out of you by stupid, ignorant, inconsiderate, pathetic people who aren't good enough to deserve you." _The car suddenly felt stuffy- very stuffy- and Kate thought that she was going to hyperventilate if she spent another minute inside it. So, steeling her resolve, she forced herself out of the car and into the building. She took her spot at the end of a long, winding line of Richard Castle fans.

Kate had never been terribly patient, which made her very good at tracking down killers but very bad at standing in long, slow-moving lines. Today, though, was worse than usual, her nerves frayed and her emotions tangled messily. To make things worse, she had the extra encumbrance of an uncomfortable knot of anxiety resting in the pit of her stomach.

The longer Kate stood waiting, the stronger the urge to scream became. She wanted to yell at each and every one of the poor people in front of her who'd done nothing to deserve her anger. Nothing, that is, except keep her from him. She wanted to scream at them that they had no right to make her wait. They didn't know him. They didn't _love_ _him._

But maybe one of these people was being kept alive by his books just like she once was. It was a sobering thought.

It kept her from screaming.

Instead, she repeated in her head all the things she wanted to tell him. _"1. I'm still healing, and I don't want anyone to really see me up close until that's over. 2. I don't think I can finish healing until I solve this case. 3. I know I should have called you, but I was too scared- He'll ask what you were scared of," _she cut herself off.

What _was_ she scared of? It was a tough question to answer without admitting that she'd lied back in that hospital room. But she couldn't tell him. Not now. Not while she couldn't say 'not yet' to a romantic relationship without making him think she was rejecting him permanently. All of a sudden, Kate wished she could run back to her car, hide in it, and cry for a little while. She forced herself to keeping taking intermittent steps forward in the line. She tried again.

"_1. I'm still healing, and I don't want anyone to really see me up close until that's over. 2. I don't think I can finish healing until I solve this case. 3. I know I should have called you, and I _wanted _to call you, but I was too scared. 4. You're not the only one I've been ignoring. 5. I've been pushing away everybody who was there because I'm scared you'll all try to make me talk about what happened, and I can't do that. 6. I'm not good enough. If I was ever good enough for anyone, I can't be anymore, so I didn't see the point in trying to make you stick around me when you deserve so much better. 7. I feel like I have walls all around me, and I'm trapped, and I don't know how to get out, and I don't know how to let anyone else in, and it's stopping me from ever getting close to anyone without eventually ruining everything. 8. I can't have a real relationship that I won't destroy until I figure out how to get rid of that wall. 9. I hate myself, and I'm sure you must hate me, too. And everyone I know must hate me, so I shouldn't have even come. 10. I shouldn't be here, and I shouldn't even be alive, and sometimes I think about just finishing the job for them- whoever _they_ are. 11. I think that's what I'll do. I think you should let me."_

But now the list was getting too long.


	3. Chapter 3

[Author's Note: Good afternoon (or whatever time you're reading this), kiddos! First of all, thank you so much to every single person who has reviewed, followed, or favorited this story! I like to be able to thank each person individually in a PM, but I had to choose whether to use my free time for responding or writing the next chapter(s), so I want to say one all-encompassing 'thank you' right here. Anyway, I hope you'll like this one, and I hope you'll think it's possible and logical and all that good stuff. Let me know. Happy reading!]

Kate suddenly wished that she could take back every silent _'hurry up' _from the last hour and a half. Ever since she'd shot that text to Esposito asking him to cover for her, the minutes had slipped away faster than she could count them. And now there were a mere three people between them: between the rest of her and the part that was missing.

She took a deep breath. _"Bravery and character," _she reminded herself.

Another breath. Only two people to go. _"I'm sorry I didn't call. I'm sorry I pushed you away. I'm sorry I ruin everything." _She turned away so that Castle wouldn't notice her too soon and tried for one more deep breath. There was just one last person in front of her. _"I'm sorry I'm scared of you. I'm scared you'll realize that I'm not good enough, and I'm not worth your trouble. I'm scared you'll give up on me, and I'll lose you. But I'm also scared you'll keep waiting for me, and I'll never get better or be ready and we'll never get a shot at being together, and it'll just hurt you more. I'm scared of everything now- so scared I feel like I can't even see straight. Something's wrong with me, and I don't think I'm ever going to be okay again. Everything's too loud and bright and sharp and fast and impossible, and I don't know how to-"_

"Who should I make it out to?" His voice cut straight through her inner monologue, and she was amazed by the fact that his voice alone did away with so much of the otherwise endless noise that filled her head and set her on edge. She felt herself melt a little.

"Kate," she said too fast and too forcefully and all wrong, and it was just another thing she couldn't fix. It made her feel an awful lot like the lost little girl who stood in line at a Richard Castle book signing a little more than a decade ago. But this was different. Now she knew him. Now she _loved_ him… Now she was afraid of him.

Now she was a bit less little and a lot more lost. "You can make it out to Kate," she told him shyly because silence scared her too, so it needed to be filled. He finally looked up.

His picture-perfect smile dissipated, and what was left was hurt and misery- _"All your fault; it's all your fault."_- and the noise in her head was back. Except it was louder now. She held his gaze and her breath, working hard not to cry. _"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry…" _He leaned away from her, and she suddenly noticed how much the lump in her throat hurt. Stupidly she thought how nice it would be to hold his hand just now.

All at once the pain in his eyes was overshadowed by a brand of thoughtful that was so distinctly _Castle _it stung her. Rick picked up her book, which she'd placed all too delicately on the edge of the table, and he began scrawling something on the title page. Kate couldn't read his handwriting upside down, and for some reason it made her mad. He slid the book back across the table, and Kate thought that she really might cry because she understood it all too well: he wouldn't hand it to her. He wouldn't touch the book at the same time she did. Even so tiny a connection was too much now. The realization of it crashed down around her, and she couldn't find a single part of her body that didn't throb with the effort of stopping herself from reaching out for him.

Kate knew it was ridiculous, but the fear and the nerves and the anxiety threatened to undo her completely, so she couldn't stop herself from wishing he would just hold her the way he did that day in the cemetery. She needed to fix it. She needed to make him understand. _"'I'm sorry'… Two words. Come on, you can do it. Just two little words-" _She wasn't sure how long she'd been standing there staring at him, but suddenly the noise in her head was so loud that she couldn't think straight: could barely remember her own name. And it was all gone- all the words, all the good intentions. Everything.

There were words- important words. That much, at least, she remembered. There was something she needed to say. But now the room was spinning, and it was as though someone was screaming directly into each of her ears. She couldn't remember, she couldn't breathe, and- of all places- she could not let this happen here. "You should probably go, Kate."

And the noise in her head was so loud that she couldn't remember that she wasn't supposed to do that. She turned and walked away, and when she got outside, leaned up against the wall next to the back door of the building, and just tried to breathe, some of the noise and the spinning and the blind panic began to fade, and the words came back: _'I'm sorry.' _She was supposed to say _'I'm sorry.'_

She just wanted to say _'I'm sorry.'_


	4. Chapter 4

[Author's Note: I am still in complete shock at the response this story is getting. So, to all of the people who have followed, favorited, and reviewed since last chapter: thank you, thank you, thank you! I hope everybody will continue to enjoy. These next two are a slight departure from… Uh… to be honest, pretty much everything I've ever written or read on FF, but we're going to try it anyway. I think it turned out kind of cool, but let me know how you feel about it if you're in the mood to review. Enjoy! P.S. I think I was high or something when I was editing this because I just re-read it and it was a hot mess. I think I've fixed all the errors now. My apologies.]

She was still leaning against the building when Castle came out twenty minutes later. _"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry…" _He had to know. She had to tell him.

He walked straight past her.

"Castle, wait." Kate took off after him without hesitation. _"Please come back; you have to know! _Please. _I need you. I want to get better. I want to be good enough for you! I can't get better if you're not here, Castle! You're the only reason I'm trying! You're the reason I'm not _dead, _and you cannot walk away from me!"_ She hoped that she appeared more composed than she felt.

He didn't turn around but said, "I did. Three months. You never called."

_"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I tried. I tried a thousand times. Please, Castle, I was so scared of making you hate me. I'm scared of ruining everything. I can't do it yet. You can't see me like this. Something's wrong with me, Castle. I don't know how to fix it, and I don't know how to stop running away from people. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry." _"Look, I know you're angry-"

"Oh, you're damn right I'm angry."

_"No. No, no, no, _please,_ Castle. You have to let me tell you! I'm scared. I'm just scared, Castle- of everything. I'm scared you'll hate who I am now. I'm scared you'll hate how ugly I am with these scars. I'm scared you'll hate me for not being ready. I'm scared that 'I can't yet' won't be enough for you. I'm scared you'll never forgive me for lying to you. I'm scared you won't like me when you see who I am when I stop lying. I'm scared that I'll finally let myself be in love with you, and you'll die and leave me, too. I'm scared that I'll finally let myself be in love with you, and you'll walk out and abandon me like everyone else. I'm scared because I haven't been able to think straight in months, and I'm scared because since the shooting I'm scared of everything, and that can't be normal. I'm sorry, Castle. Please don't leave me."_

"I watched you _die_ in that ambulance. Did you know that?"

_"Yes. Yes, and I tried not to die. I tried so hard not to die, Castle. For the first time in thirteen years not even a single, tiny part of me wanted to die! But it happened anyway because I'm weak. I was too weak- just like always. And you probably thought that my own weakness wasn't the reason I couldn't do it- just like always."_

"You know what that's like?"

_"Did _you_ know alcohol abuse can send someone into cardiac arrest? Of course I know what it's like."_

"Watching the life drain out of someone you…

"_Love."_

"Someone you care about?"

"_No, Castle! No. Please say it. Please say the word. If you say it, then I can tell you everything. Please just say it, so I can stop being so scared. Please…" _"I told you: I needed some time." Her voice sounded too even, too calm, and it made her want to cry even more than she'd already wanted to.

"You said a few days," he reminded her trenchantly.

"_I know. I know, and I lied, and I always lie, and I'm so sorry. I don't know why I can't say three tiny, little words that will fix everything, but my mind just does this thing where it shuts down and makes everything seem huge and horrible, and it's happening now; you shouldn't be seeing this, Castle. This is why I didn't call: you can't see me like this. If you see me when this happens, then you'll hate me, and you'll leave, and you can't leave. Please don't leave. I'm so sorry." _"Well, I needed more." _"That's it. That's it: just keep replying. Keep saying things. Even if they're the wrong things, if you say something, then he'll say something back. If he's saying things back, he won't leave. Just keep saying things that make sense."_

"Well, you should have said that."

"_I know, Castle. I know. I tried. I typed out the message a thousand times. But if I sent it, you still would have asked how I was, and then I would have had to lie again because how could I tell you that I was terrified of everything and falling apart and in so much pain I couldn't even think clearly enough to ask for pain medicine. Please, Castle, I'm sorry. I tried. I'm so sorry. I just didn't want to lie to you again; I'm sorry!"_

"Castle! Look, I couldn't call you!" _"I was scared, and confused, and in pain, and weak, and ashamed, and I didn't want to lie to you, and I didn't want you to ask me to talk about it because I can't. If I tried I would cry and hyperventilate and scream and all the other things that happened with the psychiatrist at the hospital, and you can't see that because you'll realize I'm pathetic, and you'll leave. I'm so sorry!" _"Okay? Not without dragging myself into everything that I was just trying to get some space from!" _"If anyone saw what happens to me sometimes, they would think I was crazy, and they would abandon me, and I can't lose you!"_

"I needed some time to just work through everything." _"I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I made you mad. I'm sorry I made you scared. I'm sorry I made you feel lonely, and sad, and rejected. But I couldn't let you see me when I was too weak physically to stand up without help and too weak emotionally to even be honest with you!"_

"Josh help you with that?"

"_No, Castle. Don't bring him into this. He doesn't matter anymore. It was never him; it was always you. Always. Just like I promised, and just like you promised. I'm sorry! You're right. You've always been right: I'm scared, and I'm hiding, and it's pathetic. But I love you and need you and miss you, and it's not about anyone else but you and me. I'm trying. I don't know how to do it. I don't know who to be when I'm not hiding, but I'm trying, Castle! I'm sorry, and I'm trying to be better, and you can't leave me because I can't do this by myself!" _"We broke up." Now she just sounded annoyed, and it crossed her mind that that was even worse than calm and measured.

Kate felt sure she was going to cry. And after all the promises she'd made to herself to stop running from him- from them- she caved in. The noise in her head was now nothing more than a deafening roar of confusion, but she knew one thing for certain: she would not let him see her cry. So Kate did what she always did: found her escape route. She walked away, trying to remember in spite of her confusion and panic the breathing techniques that the psychiatrist had shown her when she was still in the ICU. _"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry… I'm sorry I'm so scared of your response that I can't get the words out. I'm so sorry, Castle…"_


	5. Chapter 5

[Author's Note: Phew! Okay, this one ended up a lot longer than all the previous chapters. But the next one (which will go up very shortly after this one) is really short, so I think it all balances out. Anyway, I've got some new ideas for this story, and I was wondering if you guys would be interested in me continuing this story into the teens to twenties range of chapters? I don't want to give anything away, but I think it could be cool. Let me know. Meanwhile, happy reading!]

Maybe in all those weeks of avoidance she'd forgotten who this man really was, but the one thing Kate wasn't counting on was Rick following her. At least the little walk had given her a chance to blink the tears from her eyes. At least she didn't feel quite as light-headed sitting down. At least the peals of laughter drifting to her ears from the nearby jungle gym were a somewhat soothing background noise.

And at least he was following. It wasn't forgiveness, it wasn't a promise, and it wasn't 'I love you.' But he was following. _"Just try again,"_ she attempted to encourage herself. _"It's just three, short, little words: I. Am. Sorry."_

Not wanting to watch his approach, Kate toyed with the edges of the book. She almost opened it- almost read the little note punctuated with his autograph, but she couldn't find the courage. Not when she felt certain it would make her cry. It seemed everything did these days.

All at once Rick was sitting on the swing next to hers, very carefully not looking at her. For a few seconds she followed his lead and very carefully did not look at him. She focused on swallowing the lump in her throat. _"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry…" _pounded in her consciousness.

She decided to try a new tactic: start simple- start with something that wasn't about her. "I like the dedication." She looked at him, and he still looked angry and devastated, but he'd followed. He was willing to listen. He was willing to let her try. _"Thank you, Castle. Oh, thank you so much. I'm so sorry. I can do it. I'm going to do it."_

"It seemed right." Terse, but an answer- even if he still wasn't looking at her.

"_It was. It was so right and so wonderful, and I know I told you that you should have let me go in and try to save him, but I forgive you. You did it because you're wonderful, and you're just as loyal to him as I am, and you saved me just like you promised him you would, and I really don't want to die, Castle. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry…" _"It must have been hard writing that ending." Even if she hadn't found the courage to read Castle's words, that didn't mean she hadn't read every spoiler she'd been able to track down on the Internet. That was easier somehow: reading Castle's own phrasing and sayings and style and ideas made everything too real. And it was far too real already.

"Yeah." He checked his watch.

"_He's putting you on the clock. He'll let you make your point and say your piece, but you have to do it on his terms." _Something about the time pressure made her panic, and the spinning and the screaming and the lack of air crashed down on her again all at once.

"Yeah, given the circumstances. Yeah." He looked away again, and Kate took the opportunity to sit silently for a moment and try to remind herself once again how to breathe. _"In and out. In and out. Oh gosh. Oh gosh, it's not working. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Castle. I'm so sorry. You're not supposed to see this. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry-"_

"So why'd you guys break up?" Rick asked, shattering the silence. It was enough to tell her that he was still here: still giving her a chance. It was enough, and she came back to the present just enough to find an answer, but it came out all wrong. She knew before she'd even finished saying it that it was wrong: a mess of half-truths and other broken things she couldn't seem to fix no matter how hard she tried.

"I really, really liked him," she began, and it almost undid her because that was not what she was supposed to say, and he looked like he was about to leave again. _"It's not like that, Castle. It's not like… anything. I want _you_. It was because he wasn't you, and I hated that. It was because I was cheating on you, and I couldn't take it because you were right: I'm afraid, and hiding, and weak, and I just wanted it to stop! I just want to stop hurting you! I'm sorry, Castle! I'm sorry…"_

"But that wasn't enough." _"That's it- that's closer." _He seems to rejoin her. _"You're enough. You're more than enough, Castle! But right now you're too much, and I don't know how to be good enough or big enough or strong enough, and I just need you to wait, but I don't know how to ask, and I don't want to make you wait, and I can't _do this_, Castle! I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I ruin everything. I'm so sorry." _For a long moment neither of them said anything, and Kate hoped that her meaning was sinking in in spite of the fact that her ridiculous panic was keeping her from saying the things she really meant to say.

"_You're doing it- sort of. Just keep talking. Keep trying. Make him understand. Give him reasons. He said before that he didn't know what we are, so show him. Explain what's going on." _The list she'd made in the back of the line at the bookstore came back to her, and she tried with all the anxious, nearly worthless energy left in her to explain it. "After my mother was killed, something inside me changed. It's like I built up this wall inside." _"That's good. That's what the therapist made you talk about in the hospital. This will make him understand." _Suddenly something flashed through her mind from one of those forced conversations with the therapist. It was something about pushing away the people who were at the funeral being part of a larger pattern… something about trying to protect herself from loss by not developing relationships. "I don't know, I guess I just didn't want to hurt like that again."

But another wave of panic hit her._ "No. No, this will make him leave because it's been thirteen years, and you're still not better! He won't wait thirteen years- he can't! No, no, no, no, no, this is bad. He's going to leave. He can't leave. He can't leave! He has to know you're getting better now! You have to make him understand that you're going to get better for him!" _"I know I'm not going to be able to be the kind of person that I want to be; I know I'm not going to…" It was all coming out wrong, and she could feel herself near tears, and she stopped because she didn't know how to tell him that she wanted to be good enough, and she just needed time because it was _him_ she wanted to be good enough for; she stopped because she would _not _cry in front of him.

"_I'm sorry, Castle. I'm not enough, and I'm sorry because I know how much you wanted me to be-" _He looked at her, and unless she imagined it, the look was softer than before. And somehow it's enough. "I'm not going to be able to have the kind of relationship (_"you"_) that I want… until that wall comes down." She was sure he'd hear the way she was trying to speak evenly around the growing lump in her throat. _"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm scared. I'm sorry I'm running away. There's something wrong with me, and there's only one way I know how to fix it, and I can't make it happen without your help. The only way I know how to get better is to get rid of my hiding place, and I can't do that unless it's really, truly gone. Please don't leave me; I'm sorry. I'm trying, Castle. I'm so sorry…"_

"And it's not going to happen until I put this thing to rest." _"I just need a little more time. I just need you to help me solve this case. That's all I need. That's all. I can be ready after I get the answers. I just need to know. I need to know all the reasons for why she's gone, and then I can accept it. I need to be able to accept it. I need to show myself that I can accept losing someone I love. If I can't show myself that, then all I can do is keep pushing people away. Please, Castle. I'm sorry for being so selfish, but I _need _it. Please…" _For a long time they just looked at each other. Kate felt tears starting to sting her eyes, but she refused to look away. She wouldn't even blink. Because it helped. He was here, and he was looking at her, and his eyes showed the hurt, but they were also soft, and it helped.

And whether or not she'd admit it, she needed all the help she could get.

He finally looked away, and she was afraid it had all been a game: that she had lost him, after all. "Well then, I suppose we're just going to have to find these guys and take them down." _"Yes! Yes, thank you. Thank you, Castle. Thank you. I can get better. I can be okay. I can try harder to be enough. We're going to get our chance, Castle! Thank you thank you thank you." _She managed a small smile- exhausted but too grateful for words to express, and for the moment 'I'm sorry' was entirely forgotten.

"It doesn't mean I'm not still mad."

It was back. _"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry…"_ But the words wouldn't leave her mouth because he was mad, and he would probably stay mad, and it was fair, of course, but that didn't stop the screaming and the spinning and the absence of air in her lungs from coming back at full force.


	6. Chapter 6

So instead, Kate did the only thing that would come to mind: she ran. She ran by changing the subject. And with it she changed the course of the conversation: she pointed them in the direction of her favorite little hiding place. If only he knew how much it made her hate herself. "The boys told me about what you did: following the money trail, trying to track down who the cops paid off…"

And he followed. Like she'd always been able to trust him to do, he followed. "I just wish it led somewhere."

_"Me too, Castle. I wish it did, too. I love you so much for trying, Castle. No one else has ever loved me enough to try." _Again tears threatened to spill over, but she held them in. And with that, 'I'm sorry' was erased again by the blind desperation for the answers- be they helpful or un- that he had to offer.

"I mean, I located the files. When the bank closed, they took all the dead account paperwork and stored it in a warehouse in Union City. A couple years after the move, fire broke out, and the files were destroyed; it's just another dead end."

_"It's okay, Castle. It's not your fault. You tried. I was awful to you, and somehow you still loved me enough to try. There aren't even words for how much that means to me." _"How'd it happen?" First day back or not, her cop's instincts were still as sharp as ever.

"It was an accident: it was old wiring."

"Are you sure?" _"It can't be. It wasn't. There's no way. It had to be _someone_. This is our chance, Castle: we can't just let it be an accident!"_

"Yeah. There was an investigation."

"Well, did you see the report from the fire investigator?" _"Come on, Castle! Tell me you didn't. Tell me we've still got something left to try!"_

"No, but… really? A warehouse fire? That seems an awful lot of trouble just for a couple of files."

_"How can you say that?! You think burning a warehouse is any more trouble than stabbing my mom or putting a bullet in my heart?!" _"That's no more trouble than they've already gone through. I mean, we have to read that report." _"This is the only way I can ever be better, Castle! We can't just skip something. There has to be something left! Why would you skip the only chance we have left?!" _"It's just, there's just one problem."

"What?"

"How are you going to help if Gates kicked you out?" _"Because _I_ didn't. I want you back. I _need_ you back. I am not stopping you from coming back. Please come back! Please don't leave me!"_

"I only _let_ her kick me out because there was no reason to stay."

_"Finding the people who shot me was your only reason to stay? _I_ was your reason to stay? I was your reason to stay! If I was your reason to stay, and now you're willing to come back, then you must still love me! You must still be willing to wait for me!" _"Oh."

"She'll take me back," he assured her, and Kate gave him a look: a classic Kate Beckett look. And he didn't look away. He smiled, and she smiled back, and maybe it was all going to be okay somehow.


	7. Chapter 7

[Author's Note: Hello, dear readers of mine. Hope you're all having a good day. Thank you to any and all new followers, favoriters, reviewers, and readers in general. You guys are fabulous! I've got a lot of ideas for this story, and I hope you'll all stick with me, but the updates won't be as frequent as they have been because I go back to school in a few days. Anyway, Kate's thoughts are a much smaller part of this chapter, but I'm not sure if that will remain true for the rest of the story. The mostly-thoughts-with-dialogue-mixed-in thing was something I've wanted to experiment with for a while, so let me know if it's something you'd like to see more of. At any rate, this is the longest chapter so far, so without further ado, I give you chapter seven…]

"_It's okay. He's coming back. He's not leaving. He'll wait. He's going to wait for you." _Knowing that she hadn't lost her partner- her best friend, if she was honest- lessened some of the pressure in her head, and she felt almost like herself again.

"I thought you wouldn't come back," Kate admitted, but it came out sounding more like a question. _"Reassure me. Tell me that you'll always come back. Please just tell me I don't have to be scared anymore."_

And without knowing it, that was what he did. "I was afraid you wouldn't let me." She offered him a shy smile, and he returned a guarded but affectionate smile of his own. "You check out my note to you?" he asked, nodding toward the book. Kate shook her head. "Here." He reached out for it, and she slipped it into his hand, not missing the obviously deliberate brush of his fingers over hers. He opened it to the title page, keeping the book tilted just enough that she couldn't read over his shoulder.

Kate watched him smile thoughtfully, then clear his throat and sit up a bit straighter. She was prepared for him to give an unnecessarily dramatic reading of whatever little note he'd written her, but after what she could only assume was a dramatic pause for effect, he turned to her with a cheeky, endearing half-smile and said simply, "You thought you'd finally gotten rid of me, didn't you?"

She laughed- because how could she not?- and for some reason it was almost painful because she hadn't in months. "How'd you know I wouldn't read it too soon?"

"Same way I knew you'd stay if I told you to leave."

"I think you know me too well, Castle. It's kind of creepy."

"Watching you fill out paperwork creepy? Or finding a way to stalk you without breaking any laws and then writing a series of books about you creepy?"

"_Hug him." _She smiled, and when he passed the book back to her she took his hand in hers and squeezed gently. "Look," she told him with a touch of regret, "I don't know what kind of stupid story the boys will have made up to cover for me, but I should probably get back to the station before the new captain sends me back down to traffic. I'm pretty sure she has it out for me."

He hummed in agreement. "So I'm not the only one she hasn't really taken to?" Kate couldn't help but notice the way that, as he spoke, he glanced between his own hand and the one that had held it so briefly.

"At least _you_ didn't steal her title."

"What do you mean? What title? What did you do, Beckett?" he asked in a mock scolding voice.

Kate smirked. "Well, what I _did_ is a story for another time. What _happened_… Oh, please. You know what happened. Ryan can't keep a secret from me for anything: I know you spent your entire first year with us bribing them for information about me when I was on breaks."

"Oh…" he trailed, seemingly looking for a way to justify his unorthodox research methods. But then he seemed to come to a sudden realization. "Oh, no… Don't tell me. Kate, do not tell me that she is the second-youngest-"

"Woman to make detective in the NYPD," Kate finished for him with a touch of drama.

"Ouch."

"Ouch," Kate agreed. "Anyway, you want a ride home on my way back?"

"Love one," he answered. He stood up and held out a hand to pull her to her feet, and though they both knew it was ridiculous and unnecessary, she took it. "So, did you like the book?" he asked while they walked back across the park and the crosswalk.

"I haven't actually read it…" she admitted so quietly that Rick had to strain to hear her. "I couldn't do it when I didn't know yet if you would ever stop hating me, you know?"

"Beckett, I never hated you," Rick said as they climbed into her car. Kate nodded once in acknowledgement. "Look at me." She shook her head and looked to the opposite side. After a pause, she started the car and headed off in the direction of his loft.

"I lied to you," she said as they drove, finally breaking the uncomfortable silence. Her voice was hoarse with the effort of holding back tears.

"About what?"

_"About everything. About loving you. About loving Josh. About knowing you love me. About knowing you tried to save me even though it could have gotten you killed. About everything! All I _ever _do is _lie _to you!" _"About reading the book." He gave her a confused look that was overflowing with obvious concern. Not wanting to hear his reply, she continued quickly. "I did mean it- when I said the ending must have been hard. I read a ton of spoilers; I just couldn't get myself to read your actual words, I guess." Her heart was slamming in her chest; and, if it was even possible, she thought she could feel it making the skin around the bullet scar pull. Then again, her scars always bothered her when she felt anxious or disconsolate.

Kate thought she heard Rick say something from the seat next to her, but she couldn't be sure: she was too busy forcing herself to resist dragging her fingernails over the scar on her chest. He- of all people- wasn't supposed to see it, and she didn't want the thick concealer she'd taken to using on it to rub off.

"Beckett," Rick said- she supposed louder than before- and the worry in his voice made all the air around her seem to disappear before it would ever have the chance to reach her lungs. Again. She fought the dizziness, trying to keep the car going in a perfectly straight line in spite of it. The shakiness she could feel beginning in her hands and arms didn't help her cause. "Don't worry about it. You've had a lot of other things to worry about: a lot of infinitely more important things. I wouldn't have read it either."

"But I… I li… li… lied… to you," Kate choked out between gasps of air. _"Get a grip. This is not going to happen in front of Castle. Breathe!" _"I lied to you," she repeated in a rush before the hyperventilation became bad enough that she couldn't talk. _"I lied. I lied about everything. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so-"_

"Kate, pull over." She shook her head, which made everything spin at least three times. Maybe four- the painful cacophony in her head made her lose count. The next time she started to brake for a red light, Rick wrested control of the steering wheel from her- easy, given the very weak grip she was managing with her trembling hands- and eased them over to the side of the road. Then he grabbed the gearshift and put the car in park. "It's okay," he told her quietly. "Don't have to worry about it, okay? I get it, Kate: I would have done the exact same thing in your place, alright? You don't have to worry. I understand." A few dozen yards away, a fire truck's siren started up, and Kate flinched.

"I know," he whispered. "Just try to take a deep breath, Kate. Okay? Just one deep breath." She tried valiantly, but her lungs seemed unwilling to cooperate no matter what she did. "Kate, look at me." She complied, but it was obvious from the empty look in them that her eyes weren't really focusing. "You're going to be okay. You're here: alive and safe. And you don't have to be afraid. Just breathe, Kate. Just try to take one deep breath."

"I can't," she managed to get out, and it was something between a moan and a dry sob.

"You can, Kate," he told her tenderly, and he started to reach for her but paused. "Kate, is it okay for me to touch you?" he asked quietly.

"I don't know," Kate told him, panic obvious in her voice. "I don't know. I can't… I- I don't know. I don't… don't even… know what's happening… to me."

"I know. I know how hard it is, but you can _do this_, Kate. You're the strongest person I know. You can do this." Very slowly, he moved to place his hand on her arm as lightly as possible. He kept the hand in one place except to brush gentle up-and-down strokes across the top of her forearm with his thumb.

"Not supposed to see…" Kate whispered several times as her breathing settled down.

"Are you doing okay?" Rick asked after a while, keeping his voice as gentle as possible. Kate didn't respond. "Can you breathe alright?" She nodded slightly, staring down at her lap. Her face was flushed a furious red.

"This is part of it, isn't it?" he asked finally. "You were avoiding me because you didn't want meto see you if this happened, am I right?" Kate nodded again, blushing even more deeply and hating herself for it. Her eyes stung, and she wished she were alone so she could let the tears fall. Not that it would help. It never did.

"Kate, look at me." She glanced up at him and then back down at her lap faster than she previously would have believed possible. "Really look." This time, she kept her head down, lifting only her eyes to meet his gaze. "It's okay. You don't have to be embarrassed, alright? You're dealing with a ton of stuff right now, and there's nothing wrong with not always doing the made-of-stone thing? Okay?" Kate bit her lower lip noncommittally and looked back down. "Listen," he continued. "If you ever need anything- even just somebody to sit there silently so you don't have to be alone- call. No questions asked. Anything, any time: day or night. I'll be there. Got it?"

This time, Kate nodded, but she still refused to look back up at him. "Alright. You've got to get back to work, and the weather's nice, so I'll just walk these last couple blocks. You're going to be okay driving?"

"Yeah," Kate said quietly. "And, Castle?" she added as he climbed out of the car. He leaned down to look back inside it at her. "Thank you. For just… everything. Thank you."

"Always," he promised with a wink. He closed the door and started to walk off in the direction of his building. After he disappeared from view, Kate collapsed back against her seat and let the tears she'd been holding in all afternoon finally stream down her face. It didn't help.


	8. Chapter 8

[Author's Note: Again, I want to thank everybody who's given me feedback or notifications on this story. You guys are awesome, and I hope you'll continue to enjoy the story! That said, I ask you to please note the rating change to T. That rating shouldn't go higher for any reason, but I did realize that there are a few potential triggers in this story already, and there will definitely be more in the future. This chapter is fairly short, but it's something that I wish had been part of the show. Personally, this is how I imagine it went down. Happy reading!]

A half hour later, Kate was back in her desk at the precinct. "Yo, Beckett," Esposito said quietly as he walked toward her desk. "We figured you could use a break from the paperwork, so we had you go pick up some stuff for us that Lanie had sent to the lab for processing."

"Mm… Better than your usual. I like it," she replied.

"Yeah, well, we figured on your first day back you'd need a first-rate cover story. You're welcome." And with that, he walked away.

The rest of her shift passed uneventfully, but she nonetheless breathed a sigh of relief when it was over. The constant worry about the air leaving the room was exhausting her, whether or not she'd admit it. Her bright idea had been returning to work to distract herself from it, but it seemed that all the sights and sounds of the precinct and the city itself were just making things worse.

At any rate, now that her shift was over, it was time to address the issue of re-qualifying so she could carry her gun again. _"If nothing else, you'll feel safer carrying your piece," _she thought as the elevator carried her down to the basement of the precinct. Grabbing a pair of sound-cancelling headphones as well as a pair of safety goggles, she walked into the now empty shooting range and picked up one of the Sigs kept there for training and re-qualifications.

After setting up a silhouette target, she gripped the gun, squared off to the target, took a deep breath, and pulled the trigger. She fired off the first five shots of the fifteen-round magazine in rapid succession, and seemingly all was well. They blazed a hole dead center through the ten ring.

But at five shots, something inside her seemed to snap. And suddenly it wasn't a paper target at the opposite end of the range. It was Kate.

She froze, eyes wide. The gun clattered to the ground as Kate backed up against the opposite wall, tearing off the headphones and safety goggles. She leaned back against the wall, squeezing her eyes shut in an attempt to block out the memories, but it didn't help. She saw herself up on the podium; saw the flash, felt the jolt. She saw Castle out of the corner of her eye before she felt herself hit the ground. She came back to herself somewhat and realized that she was, in fact, on the ground at present. _"When did that happen?"_

In the time it took to ask herself, she was pulled back under, and she saw Castle's bright eyes, heard his voice clearly in spite of the screaming all around her. She felt her chest on fire. Then there was only darkness and silence.

It felt nice to die.

Kate was slammed back into her current situation when a wave of nausea hit her. She picked herself up off the floor and bolted for the women's locker room on the opposite end of the basement.

Ten minutes later, Kate sat in a heap on the floor of a bathroom stall. She'd have given anything to move from that spot, but every muscle in her body was so badly wracked with tremors that she couldn't so much as lean forward off the grey plastic partition. She bit back a whimper as the muscles of her now completely empty stomach clenched. _"Just finish the magazine. It's just ten more rounds: it's not going to kill you."_

Kate managed after a few minutes to get herself to her feet, and she walked over to examine her ashen face in the mirror. _"When did I start crying?" _she wondered, rubbing at the tear trails on her cheeks. After a bit of deep breathing she walked back into the shooting range and tentatively picked up the Sig she'd dropped. After donning the goggles and headphones again, she positioned herself to take her last ten shots. _"You can do this. Just shoot fast. You can do this."_

She closed her eyes, took the deepest breath she could manage, and shot. Fast. It was over within eight seconds, but by the end, her hands shook so badly that she barely landed within the ten ring.

Kate crumpled to the ground, not bothering to take off the headphones or goggles. She angrily noted the veritable waterfall of tears cascading down her face. After struggling through twenty minutes of hyperventilation, she put everything away, grabbed her target, and escaped from the room as quickly as she could manage on still-wobbly legs.

She got into her car and drove off with the sound of gunshots still ringing in her ears and the mental image of herself in the silhouette's place.


	9. Chapter 9

[Author's Note: Okay, this is the last day before school starts, so update frequency is about to drop straight off a cliff. My apologies in advance. (I'll aim for one new chapter a week, but I don't make any promises.) I hope you like this one and that it doesn't feel too OOC for either of our lovely ladies. This is another one of my takes on a scene that I really wish had been in the episode. If you're in the mood, let me know how you think I did… Happy reading!]

Lanie Parish's somewhat ridiculous fear of encountering the living in her place of work after seven o'clock P.M. flashed through Kate's mind as she stood around the corner from the entrance to the lab in which Lanie was examining the body of one of New York City's most recent 'unlucky winners.' She brushed this fact off (as usual) and glanced down at her father's watch.

It was almost seven o'clock now, which meant shift change at the morgue. Thankfully, Lanie's fellow medical examiners were more than used to seeing Detective Beckett around the building, and they wouldn't give her more than a 'hello' in passing. Even better, shift change meant that Lanie would be leaving the lab for a fifteen-minute break before starting the latter half of her double shift.

Hearing a door open, Kate cautiously peeked around the corner and watched Lanie walk in the opposite direction toward the morgue's break room. After she had disappeared from Kate's line of sight, Kate dashed around the corner and through the lab door. With a tiny jump, Kate perched herself on the edge of an empty autopsy table- facing away from the swinging double doors- and waited, entertaining herself by looking at the photos pinned to the bulletin board that she could see through the window of Lanie's small office.

With her typical medical precision, Lanie returned to the room exactly fifteen minutes after leaving. Slowly and silently she came up behind Kate and rested a hand on her shoulder blade while saying, "You know, lately, you haven't been doing a very impressive job with this whole 'best friends' thing." Kate flinched hard, nearly falling off the table and began panting noisily. "Oh, sweetie, I didn't mean to scare you," Lanie told her softly, coming around to the other side of the table to face Kate.

"Lean over; head between your knees," Lanie barked out a few seconds later when Kate hadn't relaxed.

Kate's eyes grew wide, showing her panic at the lack of oxygen being received by her lungs. "Honey, lean forward. You sound like you're about to pass out." Eventually- with a bit of cajoling- Kate complied, and Lanie rested a hand lightly on her back for a few minutes before allowing her to sit up again.

"Lanie." The name came out as a disturbingly un-Kate-like squeak.

"Sweetheart," Lanie whispered in reply, pulling her into a hug. "I would ask how you've been, but I think I've already got my answer."

"I'm sorry," Kate choked out, clutching her friend tightly. Her breathing went shallow again. "Please don't hate me, Lanie… I screwed up… I'm sorry…"

"Kate. Sweetie, look at me," Lanie requested, pulling back to take in damp hazel eyes.

"I should've called you," Kate forced out between gasped breaths. "You were so… helpful, and… translated… all the… medical speak… for me… and then… look what I did…"

"Kate, breathe," Lanie implored her. "I get it: I was pushing you to talk, and you weren't ready, so you shut me out. I can't say I'm thrilled, but, hey, at least you're logical. Now what's up with the hyperventilating? You okay?"

"You're really just going to get over this?" Kate asked, now relaxed enough to speak easily.

"Of course. Same way you're going to get over the fact that _maybe _my help isn't always completely helpful." Kate smiled, and Lanie pulled her back into a brief but crushing hug. "Man, I've missed you, detective."

"Back at you," Kate grinned.

"Here, we'll talk while I work, so we can both get out of here." Kate nodded and swung her legs over the table so she could face Lanie's work area. "So, according to your boys, you're back on active?"

"Yeah- as of this morning," Kate said, her voice dropping to little more than a mumble.

"Why do I get the feeling that it wasn't exactly everything you dreamed it would be?"

"Because it wasn't," Kate sighed. "The new captain and I aren't really… _fans_ of each other; I couldn't get my gun back without re-qualifying- which I know isn't the end of the world, but she just acted so condescending about it; oh, yeah, and you're my cover story for, like, _three hours_ of my afternoon."

"Girl, you've been back a _day, _and you're already back to scrambling for cover stories? You know, sometimes I really think you only keep me around so I can give you advice and provide you with alibis. I feel so used," she added sarcastically. But when Kate didn't so much as smile, Lanie started to worry. "Kate?"

"Lanie, how do any of you guys stand me?"

"Honey! I was kidding! We both know you love me," she said, smiling.

"Well, yeah, of course I do, but I still screw everything up!" Lanie pulled off her purple latex gloves and tossed them in the trash as she walked over to join Kate on the top of the autopsy table.

"Kate, listen to me: you're not perfect. And, as much as I know you'd like to, you can't go on telling yourself that you can make yourself perfect just by pushing yourself harder. So… maybe this whole I'm-going-to-get-rid-of-all-my-friends-because-the y're-pushy-and-they're-freaking-me-out thing wasn't your most shining moment. But, you know what? You can't take it back. So now you're just going to have to accept it, and do what you can to fix it, and then move on. That's the best you can do, Kate. Tearing yourself to pieces over it isn't going to help anybody. You took a bullet, Kate. I think we can all cut you some slack just this once."

"Why are you so _smart_ all the time?" Kate whined, smiling, and gave Lanie a gentle shove.

"Maybe it's because my _friends_ are too stubborn to solve their own problems without my _help_," Lanie suggested, returning the shove. "Speaking of stubborn: what's the deal with you and your shadow? Javi said at the crime scene that you two hadn't talked in months."

"I told him I'd call, and I didn't," Kate muttered. "I hadn't talked to him since before I got out of the ICU. Actually, that's why you're covering for me…" she said softly, peeking up at Lanie to see her reaction.

"_And?_ Come on, if I'm going to cover for you, I at least deserve some details!"

"And he apparently has some big plan to get Gates to un-banish him. He texted me a while ago to say that he'll be back in the morning." Kate couldn't suppress a grin. "I guess he's more patient than I give him credit for."

"He's been following you around for three years, and you're _just now_ realizing that he's _patient?_"

"Shut up."

"I'm _just _saying."

"We're working the case behind Gates' back," Kate said, changing the subject abruptly. Lanie raised an eyebrow inquisitively. "Esposito's pulling files for us, and Castle and I are going to work the case on top of our regular ones, but… Lanie, if she finds out, we could all lose our badges for suppressing evidence." Kate shook her head. "I couldn't live with myself if they lost their badges because of me, but… Lanie, I can't just let it go."

Lanie stayed silent for a minute before telling her, "Look, Kate: I could never even begin to tell you to drop it altogether- not after everything that's happened. All I'm going to say is be careful. Getting caught by your captain is one thing; getting caught by the guys who've got a vendetta against you is another. Just promise me that you'll be smart about this, okay? I'd rather see all of you lose your badges than see you lose your life, and I can guarantee all three of your boys would say the same thing."

Kate nodded, and after a long moment said, "Yeah… Yeah, I promise… But I mean, if it were a situation where-"

"You are way too stubborn for your own good. I can deal with a lot of different things, but if you go and get yourself killed, I will never forgive you. So you just keep that in mind, you understand me?"

"I really have missed you," Kate said, pulling Lanie into a side hug.

"Back at you," Lanie replied, giving Kate's shoulder a little squeeze. "Now get out of my lab so I can finish with the dead guy and go home."


	10. Chapter 10

[Author's Note: Hello, all. Hope your last couple of weeks have been good ones. I'm back with something a bit more introspective. It's different than the rest of the chapters so far, and I think you'll like it. I'm quite happy with it. Also, thanks to all the new reviewers, followers, and favoriters of this and all my other stories! You guys rock!]

Kate glared at the punching bag and leveled another roundhouse kick at its center. It was one thing to crack when she was alone in the basement of the precinct or the privacy of her own apartment, but in front of her team? It was a disaster. It was the worst possible outcome.

And it had happened.

_Calm and focused, Kate charged up the stairs with the boys in the lead and Castle at her heels. At the top, they slipped single-file through the door and into a dark cavern of a room with a semi-transparent wall to one side. Moving along the wall, they came to a door, which Esposito kicked open as Kate and Ryan pointed their guns into the adjoining room._

_ The next ten seconds were a blur of aiming and yelling and taking off running, and before she really even knew what all had happened, Kate had one of their suspects cornered in the back of the warehouse._

Or did he have her cornered? Even now it was difficult to process what had been real and what had been imagined. She threw a right hook at the punching bag.

She had chased him into the back room. He'd tried the door, and then suddenly he was holding a gun that had seemed to materialize out of nowhere.

That was where everything froze. Every rational bit left of her had screamed for either fight or flight, but her legs wouldn't move. Her arms wouldn't lift and take aim.

Kate punched the bag again, harder this time.

For twenty awful seconds, she hadn't been able to see anything but the gun that was trained on her. _"You're such an idiot," _she now told herself. _"That guy wouldn't have had the guts to actually shoot you in the first place."_

She hit harder, feeling a comforting fatigue beginning to settle into her muscles.

Her mind wandered once again over the seconds she'd spent standing frozen. As she thought about it, she could remember hearing her own labored panting, but that was the only sound she could recall. Even Esposito and Ryan's yelling hadn't made an impression on her. She'd been completely unaware of them until they appeared in her peripheral vision, guns raised.

Kate aimed another series of kicks at the bag.

The moment their suspect had lowered his gun, Kate had felt tears well up and blur her vision. It was a long moment before she regained enough control to bring her gun to its holster at her hip. She recalled the shakiness of her hands- of most of her body- and it made her all the angrier at herself, and the case, and the day, and the people in this world who aren't opposed to shooting other people.

Kate took a deep breath and continued working on her left roundhouse while she replayed what had happened next.

_Ryan led the man in cuffs out of the room past Kate, but she didn't move. She didn't react at all- until she noticed Esposito just two feet in front of her. She forced her eyes into focus and immediately wished she hadn't when she saw the look of concern on his face. "Next time, alright?" he told her. "Don't beat yourself up over it, Beckett. I've been there; just give it a little time." He nodded once and walked out of the room, but at the same moment she felt a hand on her back: a hand she recognized instantly._

"_Are you doing okay?" Castle asked her, and she didn't know how to answer._

_She forced her shaking hands into the pockets of her jeans and turned out of his reach and toward the door. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. A little bit out of practice is all." He followed her silently, which was enough to tell Kate that he didn't believe a word of it._

_She didn't care. All the way back to the precinct she stayed silent, her knuckles white on the steering wheel with the effort of holding herself together. She gave herself five minutes to hide in a bathroom stall and regain her composure before going out and showing her team that it was all okay. Just like always._

_Just like always, until _he _had the audacity to bring it back up._

Even thinking back on that brief conversation had Kate furious all over again. She threw one more halfhearted punch at the bag before freezing, hands at her sides, chest heaving with angry, labored breaths. Finally, she tore the boxing gloves off and stormed over to her locker, stuffing them inside it and slamming the door. If it was even possible, the noise was physically painful, but she didn't care. It had become something like a game: seek it out, find the absolute maximum amount of pain that you can withstand without falling apart into nothing, and make yourself feel it. Again and again: all the time, if that's what it takes. Prove to yourself that you can withstand it. Make yourself miserable just so you know that you can live with misery.

Kate collapsed on the wooden bench in the locker room, head in her hands. She wasn't sure if she was imagining the echo of locker slamming or if it was really there. It was too loud either way. _"This isn't just about being shot. This is about her, too. You've been doing this since you were nineteen… And now you've finally noticed it because somebody actually gave you a reason to want to fix yourself."_

And that was it, wasn't it? There had been friends- few, but good ones. There had been boyfriends- fewer still, and sometimes of suspect quality. But the common denominator was that none of them were ever enough to make her want to let go of that deep-down need to cling to misery. No one but him had ever given her a reason to believe that there could be more to life than clinging to some seemingly hopeless quest for justice. No one else could convince her that she could possibly deserve- much less find- happiness without catching her mom's killer. No one else could give her a reason to want to be more than who she'd become.

But now that she'd been given her reason, she couldn't do it. She was so close- she had to be- and her mind screamed at her not to walk away now. But something in her subconscious was whispering that maybe it was time. She'd nearly died yet again, so maybe it was time to let this go. Maybe it was time to find another way to be okay again.

After all, what was closure worth, really, if you were still alone on the other side?


	11. Chapter 11

[Author's Note: Hi, guys. It's been forever, and I apologize. I've been so ridiculously busy that it's kind of unbelievable. But anyway, thanks for being patient. I hope you'll like this chapter, but it's sort of a filler to lead into the next two or three, so it isn't terribly eventful. Hopefully, though, I'll have #12 up in a few hours, since I've actually got a little bit of a start on it. Let me know how you like, and again, sorry about the long wait!]

Curled up into a tiny ball in the corner of the break room couch, Kate pulled her phone out of her pocket and checked the time on it: just after eight. Without giving herself time to second-guess, she sent a text to Lanie: "_My apt at end of shift. Wine's on me."_

She waited there for a minute or two until her phone vibrated, and she checked Lanie's reply: _"I'll be there. 11:00."_

Kate sighed and unfolded herself from the couch. In that moment, she couldn't decide whether or not she was glad that they had established this little code. It had started two or three years after Kate made detective. While she could always slip into the morgue to either give or receive a needed pep talk or piece of advice, Kate and Lanie had somehow reached the unspoken conclusion that 'the wine is on me' signified a need for something deeper- something more official. So, of course, now Lanie would be at Kate's door at 10:59, ready to do anything necessary to get her to talk. An uncomfortable knot of anxiety settled in her stomach, and Kate cringed.

After a brief moment of mental preparation, she walked back out into the now relatively empty bullpen, deliberately focusing all her attention on her desk. She took a few slow, deep breaths like she'd been shown by the therapist who had worked with her in the ICU, and very intentionally did not look at the murder board.

The victim in their case had been shot in the chest just like she had been, although Kate tried not to reflect on that part. The fact was, though, that the crime scene photos on the whiteboard were getting to her. A woman with six bullet holes in her chest? Obviously it was going to bring up a few suppressed emotions. She was able to control it- or so she told herself- but the quieter the bullpen got as people left after their shifts, the closer Kate grew to falling apart.

Kate had a longstanding tradition of waiting until the bullpen was devoid of people, then sitting in front of the board and letting it do the talking. It wasn't guaranteed effective, but every so often in the quiet, the final missing piece in a case would reveal itself.

But not tonight. Tonight all that revealed itself was a terrifying flashback to her own experience with gunshots to the chest. So, instead of spending the past hour following her workout examining possible solutions to the case, Kate had spent it trembling on the break room couch and trying not to forget how to breathe. By some miracle, no one had come into the room over the course of the last sixty minutes; but then again, maybe they'd seen her through one of the windows and deliberately stayed out.

_"Either way it's a mess," _Kate thought as she sat back down at her desk. Castle had agreed to meet her at her apartment a little before nine to work on her mom's case for an hour or two, so she had to head out anyway. She sighed again. _"The board will still be here in the morning…" _Even so, she chanced one last glance at it after gathering up her bag and all its contents, which had been spread across her desk over the course of the day. She felt her muscles tense and the familiar tingling begin radiating out from the center of her chest all over again.

Without waiting for things to get worse, she turned and strode to the elevator. Once she was inside, she allowed herself the luxury of pressing a cool fingertip to the scar- somehow soothing in spite of the fact that it didn't really make the strange burning sensation stop. Just before the elevator doors opened, Kate lifted her fingertip away and fumbled for her mother's ring. Her throat tightened a bit when she remembered that it wasn't there. She'd tried over and over again to wear it, but the ring rested right over the scar and irritated it whenever the ring brushed against it. Coming into work without it on was secretly tearing her apart.

At that moment, the elevator doors slid open, and Kate stepped out into the precinct lobby. She held her brave face in place for another minute before she was finally fully alone in her car and could let the torment of the day consume her.


	12. Chapter 12

[Author's Note: As promised, chapter twelve. I'm pretty excited: I've been wanting to get to this one for a long time, so I hope you'll all enjoy it!]

"Everybody's gone, Castle!" Kate stood staring at him, beginning to tremble with the effort of holding back tears. There was a long silence, finally broken by a tiny, constricted sigh as Kate worked harder to stop the tears threatening to fall.

"Not everyone, Kate," he told her quietly. He stood up slowly and took a small step toward her. She took a step back, face contorting ever so slightly because of the stinging in her eyes. "Not Javi." Another small step. "Not Kevin." Another step. "Not Lanie." Another. "Not your dad." Yet another. "Not me." One more. After that first step backward, she had frozen. Rick now stood a mere two feet from her.

He reached out cautiously for her hand, hearing a strained and nearly silent gasp as he gently lifted it from her side. When he looked back up he saw a single tear sliding down her cheek. She reached up with her free hand and rubbed it away roughly. "We're all still here," he reminded her gently. He gave a soft sweep of his thumb over the backs of her fingers. Rick felt Kate dig her fingernails into the side of his hand while she started to chew her bottom lip. Another tear slipped down her face. "Part of this is survivor's guilt, isn't it?" he asked tenderly. Kate met his eyes, and though hers were wide, they had lost some of their earlier wildness. They were wide but weary. "It's 'they're all gone and I'm still here.' …Am I right?"

"I don't know," she whispered hoarsely. Her fingers twitched slightly in his grip. He waited. Kate broke eye contact and shook her head, causing several more tears to slip down her cheeks. Finally she mumbled, "Sometimes… Sometimes I wish they hadn't failed with me."

"Kate…"

"No," she sobbed, cutting him off. She fisted her hands, inadvertently squeezing Castle's hand that still held hers. "Castle, sometimes I just wish that. It's… Castle, if he hadn't failed, this would all be over, and none of you guys would be in danger because of me, and… and I'd get to see my mom again." Her near shouts had gradually reduced themselves to whispers, and Kate weakly finished, "And sometimes I just wish that's how it was, Castle."

While she told him this, Rick both saw and felt Kate begin to shake violently. "Come here," he coaxed, watching her try in vain to rein in soft, heartbreaking sobs. "Let's sit down for a little bit, okay?" Rick turned on his most soothing 'Dad' voice- the one that had been used over the years to talk Alexis through everything from monsters in the hall closet to broken bones to broken hearts. It wasn't until he rested a hand on the small of her back to guide her to the couch that he realized how shallow her breathing was. He spent the next few minutes silently rubbing slow circles at the center of her back and trying to help her control her breathing, but when he felt her relax by a fraction, he finally he asked, "Kate, will you tell me something?"

She turned her face toward him. He had never seen anyone so near to crying who wasn't actually doing so. "Do you really want to die?"

"Castle," she whispered weakly, "part of me has wanted to die since the day my mom was killed. It's not new, okay?" She didn't tell him that for a few short hours in May, she'd lost every desire to die. It would only make things more complicated.

Rick stayed quiet for a long moment- until he felt Kate begin to tremble badly again. "It's okay to cry, Kate," he whispered, slipping his hand back into hers. He gripped it in much the same way he had just before his impromptu bomb diffusion that now seemed so long ago.

And she cried. Tearing her hand from his, Kate buried her face in both hands and cried- nearly silent, though gut-wrenching, sobs- until her chest ached and her energy was spent. Just as she felt she would collapse in on herself, her partner saved her once again. "Beckett?" he asked hesitantly. "Do you want to be alone for a while?" She took a shaky breath and nodded.

"Okay." He nodded and removed the hand that he had been ghosting over the bony arc of her back for support. "Then I'll see you in the morning," he told her as he stood and crossed the room to go. "Promise me something, though," Rick continued from his spot three feet away from the door. Kate looked up at him with still-damp eyes. "Promise me that you will never intentionally hurt yourself." She didn't speak, but she nodded. Rick nodded back. "Good," he said quietly, "because I know you've lost way more than your fair share of people, but all of us who are still around? We can't lose you, Beckett."

"Castle?" Kate asked, finding her voice after he'd turned to leave. "Thank you… for tonight."

And instead of their typical 'it's what partners do' or the complicated assurance of 'always,' Rick answered with a nod and what felt to Kate like an even greater promise: "One phone call, and I'm right here. Don't forget that."


	13. Chapter 13

[Author's Note: I am so sorry for the massive update delay. First of all, this was one of those chapters that just did not want to be written. (I'm still not totally sure it turned out the way I wanted it to, but it is what it is at this point.) Second, I have been ridiculously busy lately. (Since I published last, I have taken the PSAT, the ACT, and the SAT; competed in three oral interp meets; judged a novice debate meet; competed in a varsity debate meet; written two essays; taken at least twenty tests and quizzes; and played in a piano recital. Among other things.) So, basically, I've been too overwhelmed to write anything that sounds remotely eloquent. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this belated chapter…]

Twenty minutes later, a knock on the door startled Kate out of her wandering thoughts. Since Castle left, she'd been sitting folded against the armrest of the couch, staring into the middle distance. She'd almost forgotten.

With what felt like an excessive amount of effort, Kate dragged herself off the couch and to the door. She had barely opened it when Lanie lunged forward and wrapped her in a hug. When Kate went rigid, Lanie immediately pulled back and looked at her. "Oh, honey, what is it? You look miserable."

Kate sighed as she stepped aside to let Lanie in. "I am miserable."

"What's wrong? What happened?"

Kate scrubbed her face with one hand before dragging her fingers through her hair. She felt her throat tighten and turned away from Lanie, who closed the door and followed Kate to the couch. "I need advice," she managed after a minute. "Not _Lanie_ advice, though—Dr. Parish advice."

"Okay…" Lanie said slowly, watching Kate fidget with the seam of a throw pillow.

Without looking up, Kate asked, "What if something is really wrong with me?"

Lanie's heart broke for her. "Like what, Kate?" she asked gently, resting a hand on her arm. Kate jumped at the contact and met Lanie's eyes.

"Something like…" She shook her head, and a tear fell. Kate tensed angrily. "_Ugh, haven't you cried _enough _in the last two days?" _She fell silent, and for a few minutes, neither woman spoke.

Finally, Lanie got up off the couch, and knelt in front of Kate, who looked away, tears still streaming. "This is about what happened in my office yesterday, am I right?"

"Yeah," she answered hoarsely. "And in the car yesterday… and tonight in the locker room… and at the shooting range… and during our _arrest_, and _again _half an hour ago!"Finished yelling, Kate sat panting, her brain beginning to fog again, until Lanie spoke and interrupted the awful noise that she could never seem to escape anymore.

"Sweetheart, lie down, okay? I don't want you to pass out." Kate obliged, and Lanie walked into the kitchen to get her a glass of water. Though she was barely gone for a minute, by the time she returned, Kate had vanished.

Five minutes later, Lanie was sitting on the floor before an agonized Kate, who had wedged herself between the wall and the dresser. Kate sat with her hands clamped over her ears and her eyes squeezed tightly shut. Her entire body, which she had curled as close as possible to itself, rocked back and forth slightly with her rapid, heavy breathing. Lanie slowly reached out—mindful of not worsening her panic attack—and coaxed Kate into extending her legs in front of her. When Lanie reached out to pull her out of the cramped corner, Kate made a sound that seemed to fall halfway between a moan and a scream.

Finally, after what felt like an hour, Kate was lying on the bed and doing a fairly decent job of deep breathing.

"See what I mean?" Kate asked bitterly after a few minutes of silence.

"Yeah, I do," Lanie returned, with more than a little hesitancy.

"What?" Kate asked, sitting bolt upright. "What is it? Why are you saying it like that?"

"Well," she began, sitting down on the foot of the bed, "look, I know you passed the psych eval, but Kate, those things are designed to get people back in the field as fast as possible. And you're already back early. Maybe it's one of those times that warrants slowing down a little bit."

"Lanie, I'm not going back on leave!"

"Okay, no. You're right. There's no way I can convince you to do that, and I don't think that would really be worth anything in the long run anyway. But what do you think you're going to do if you keep having panic attacks all the time?"

"I don't know, okay?!" Kate yelled, tears stinging her eyes. One fell, and she didn't bother to wipe it away.

Lanie listened to her shaky breathing for another moment before saying, "I'm not telling you that you have to do this, but I do think you should consider seeing a therapist for a while."

Kate's head shot up. "No! No therapy. That's not happening."

"Why? Because you never talk to people about things like this? Kate, that's at least a part of your problem right there."

"I get it. You helped get me into therapy last time, and it helped a little bit. You're right. That doesn't mean I can deal with it again."

"So then what happens when you've given desk duty and mandatory therapy? Kate, I know you: you're running away from stuff like this all the time. And I'm not saying that's inherently wrong, but sometimes the only way out is through."

Kate sighed. "Yeah…" she whispered noncommittally.

"I'll head out and let you get some sleep, but just think about it, alright?"

"No promises," Kate answered, smiling sadly.


End file.
